Maybe it is not so much about expecting a certain thing from people in order to meet a “desire” or “need” inside of you. Maybe it is about choosing to not believe in their potential for offense or even lack of desire to “connect”, and instead learning to love beyond it. Learning to believe the best, hope the best, and know the best in them. That is what love is.
Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily.It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong].It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail.Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening].Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end].
So the other doesn’t matter. It isn’t about me. It is about living in the fullness of Love - the intensity, raw, incredible fullness. Which can fill in every gap, every ideal of lack, every moment of unsurity, sadness, broken spots, etc. Every moment when people fail you, or when you fail people. It is more than. And even when there are things you would love to have happen, but they don’t, and when people choose to not invest in you and not be around and not be friends and not this and not that - WHO CARES. It does not affect your love for them. Ahaha, the above list doesn’t say “Love is never painful”. It is the most painful thing, sometimes. But it takes “no account of the evil done to it [pays no attention to a suffered wrong].”
This stuff blows my mind. My heart is rawly intensely being moved in this area of love while I am living in a place where there aren’t even many people that I would say know me well and deeply (besides family, of course). I would say that I am almost growing more in love being away from people, than close to them, and it is ridiculous how crazy it feels. It is the opposite of what one might expect, but it is… real. And I value Real so much. So, so so much.
Good. It is good to get this out of my my head, and onto this. My insides feel clear again.
So dear World, know this;
It is my aim to love you beyond everything.
I’m not perfect, I am human -
but I want too.
I want to love you from a place where you don’t need to do anything for me, and my love beats just as strong. I want to love me where you might do things I don’t understand, but still I choose to trust and love. And still I stay close - my heart open, and close. I want to be able to be so full of His love, so richly intensely full, that it doesn’t matter what you do or say or are or anything. That no matter what, I will stay. I feel like it must be possible, because that is how He loves me.
It is possible.
I am going to find it.